So As To Achieve Happiness

"Learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for your happiness."

-Ayn Rand

I love my country. I really do. There is a sense of pride when people ask me where I’m from. I have nothing but fond memories growing up in this “the little engine that could” of a city state. There are many nooks and crannies waiting to be explored, filled with history and forgotten memories. The food, the culture and our people. I love Singapore.

I’m also frustrated with Singapore. Despite the early years of development, we are virtually at a standstill at things that matter most to its citizens. The socio-political scene is left to be desired (the 2011 GE is a small positive step) and the civil servants are only interested in doing the bare minimum; They are contented to collect salary every month and not rock the boat. Maintain the status quo, y’all. To be fair, I’m sure there are decent ones, but experience has shown me that when the system is as corrupt as there are, it’s tough for one or two decent people to break the mould.  One bad egg spoils the basket but alas the opposite is not true in most cases.

It’s also tough to ilk out a living in Singapore. What we common folk do is merely surviving. And this is from someone who is single with near zero responsibilities. No little mouths to feed and no mortgage to pay. But I crave what most people in my age group (single people yo, not young married couples) wants the most: Independence.

In a few days, I’ll be 31. THIRTY FREAKING ONE. And I literally can’t buy a flat because I’m single. In the meantime 25 year olds who probably can’t afford to pay off their down payment are free to buy any apartment they want. And the best part? They can buy new flats. Even when I’m eligible at 35, I’m stuck with second hands flats. Why the slight HDB? Am I not a citizen too? I may not be popping out babies but I matter too. I pay my taxes and contribute to society. Why? Because I love my country. So why does my country not love me back? 

One word. Nepotism. You can try to deny it but it’s there. And just to be clear, I place family values right up there with saving puppies and feeding orphans. But we need to move with the times. There are more singles out there and the government just doesn’t seem to accept that trend. Repopulate! Replace the older generation! Well, when I’m trying to survive here, the last thing I want to do in this stifling environment is to mate. True Story.

Which brings me to the job prospects in Singapore. I remember getting excited in the early 2000s when news of the government pouring in millions of dollars to boost the creative industry. The awesome Esplanade was just about done, promising more opportunities for the locals to dip their feet in the creative arts. This is it, I thought to myself. What luck! Finally a chance to immerse myself in the industry I’m passionate about.

I leaped in faith and found myself in Australia for 2 years, studying in creative industries. Towards the end of my studies, my friends started asking me if I’m applying for PR, to which I smugly say no. Why would I want to stay here and be a second class citizen? Besides I’m going back to Singapore and work in the arts. Millions of dollars to cultivate the creative and arts industry. We are booming y’all. I’m going back to my Motherland people! *tear*

Needless to say, I was in for a rude shock. On hindsight, I was naïve and failed to be shrewd when it comes to trusting everything the government says. Case in point: Old School. You cannot say you want to promote the arts and get our citizens to be entrepreneurs and then shut down the creative hub for a tidy profit. YOU JUST DON’T.  When I came back in 2007, there are foreigners no matter where you look. Jobs are not hard to find. If you want to work in dead end jobs, you’ll have your pick for sure. But I did not study abroad to do that. I did what I could; I emailed resumes to MICA, NAC, Esplanade. Constantly. But no deal. 

Singapore is too small and to be honest government departments hire and promote internally. And experience. It’s that whole vicious cycle. You have to work to gain experience and you need experience to get a job. I’m frustrated because I honestly felt that I’m an asset. I say this with no cockiness and blown up ego. I’ve real work experience (just not 5 years lah, dude cut me some slack can?) and try to stay relevant in the line of work I’m pursuing. But no one wants me. 

So I did what most people who have the chance to do, would. I’ve decided to migrate. I did my research and asked the right people on how to go about leaving the place I once called home.” It’s no big deal”, I tell myself. I’m a citizen of the world, I go where the wind blows. You can see I’m trying to be zen about it.

The main motivation is the job prospects and the cost of living. Who cares if I meet racist Australians there or I’m treated as second class citizen? At least I know why if I'm poorly treated there as oppose to, you know, here. And I’ll be paid better too.

Recently life took an unexpected turn and I found myself potentially finally getting my dream job. I was ecstatic to say the least.  God really heard me and shown me a path that was so astonishing, I’m grateful and humbled all at the same time.

If all goes well, I’ll still be here for the next 5-6 years. But immigration is not off the table just yet. I understand that things won’t change overnight (Still, I expect better results for 2016 GE) but I still have my life to live and aspirations to fulfill. I won’t give up boosting the local arts scene if I can. I am proud that I was born and bred in this tropical island, warts and all. I still am. But when the opportunity presents itself for me to work/live overseas, I’ll take it.

Detour

"Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have."

-Doris Mortman

In another week or so I'll be 31. Imagine that. Huh. 31. It's about an awkward age as it is a number. 31 years I've been alive. Living, breathing, spending the hours, minutes and seconds doing...what exactly?

There were the good times and the bad. Moments I wished I could take them back, yet knowing at the same time it's bad decisions that helped shaped the person I become. Warts and all.

I'd like to imagine that when the time comes for me to make my maker, I will stand confident-ish knowing I've done all that I've set my heart out to do. No regrets. Make that no regret-ish. What? It's a word.

The greatest fear for me is probably not doing anything out of fear of the unknown. The coulda, shoulda, woulda. I don't want that to happen to me. I also don't wish to face God and have him not recognizing me. I am created by him. Every fibre of my being- the good, the bad and the downright ugly, it's all connected to him. And it would hurt more than anything if I have disappointed him with the way I lived my life.

Yet I want to remain true to myself, even when I'm struggling.I am no longer content with the status quo. And I believe God would want me, far beyond anything else, to include him in my life. A true partnership in this journey I'm taking.

Suddenly I find myself again at a crossroad. One that I did not see coming. "I got it all planned out, this is how it's gonna be from now on." I thought to myself. Then things change and you are caught unawares and see a whole new horizon you never dream possible. The fear that your vision is nothing more than a mirage is sharp. Doubts and uncertainty sets in.

But I don't want to cave in. I am more than what everyone perceives me to be. I can be more. Now is not the time to hold back, I have to try. Even if I fall flat on my face and look foolish, I'll gladly do it. 

I always hear in church that people take detours when they did not follow God's direction and could have save themselves the trouble and heartache getting to the destiny that awaits them. Now that I'm much older and slightly wiser, I realize there's no such thing as reaching a destination. Our "destinations" are merely pit stops marked out with lessons we must learn. We may come out with more scars and bruises; more cynical and jaded. But we are also much stronger, more wily and more forgiving. Because life, truly is short.

At least, that's what I choose to learn.

I loathe detours but without them I wouldn't have discovered new things about myself or grow from painful experiences. This is who I have become. And in the next chapter of my life, I know what I want to be.

Fearless.

Finding Myself

"Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious."

-Og Mandino

I  realize that it seems like a cop out to just paste one emo-esque comic. Very hipster wannabe. I know, right?

But honestly, isn't it a poignant comic strip? You can draw your own truth without MOI telling you what you should see.

A Dirty Word (Post from the Past: 4 Jan 2010)

"Religion is a man thinking of fishing in church. Spirituality is a man thinking of God while fishing."

-(Can't Remember)

 I've seen countless declarations on people's facebook account talking about how kindness is their choice of religion. To live in simple happiness and treat one another with kindness. Others also claim that all major religious groups promote kindness and good behaviour so it doesn't matter which path you take. Still a group make it their priority to "just be".

Recently I've been questioning what exactly do I believe in and how does that affect the way I see things in the larger scheme of things. I got to admit this came from encountering Jason Mraz's blog. Jason Mraz is an advocate for equality and freedom of speech; he's also a strong vocal campaigner for all things pro-earth. But it's his brand of spirituality that I find most fascinating.

This is a man who's really in touch with his spirituality and his place in the world. To a certain extent, he knows his purpose and what he's suppose to do in his limited time on earth. The ironic thing (or not) is that many of his points of view, I find you can trace it back to the Bible and Jesus' teachings. At this point, people will ask me in a snide manner, "Will your God condemn him to hell?" And truthfully, I've been tackling this issue for a couple days.

First of all, I don't know why people have this idea that as Christians, we would relish the idea of telling people they're going to hell.(Also, God doesn't "condemn" anyone, it's our personal informed choice where we want to go) Or that we have the authority in the first place. I would then point out and ask what their idea of Heaven and Hell is anyway. But that's another blog post for another time.

So I brought this up with God and I think I was trying to be like the pharisees. "Is it enough to just know there's a higher being but not knowing the name? After all, there are countless people in secluded areas who may not be as savvy as us who live in non-third world countries." I was trying to find excuses for people like Jason who may not neccesary reject God, but just embrace other school of thoughts. (He grew up in church) Nothing wrong with that right?

But it was no use. In the end, you cannot not acknowledge God and what He has done on the cross. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200 until you acknowledge that fact. You just can't. And I don't like it anymore than you do. I wish there's a loophole somewhere. Maybe in the end when all's said and done, God will save everyone. Maybe.

I do believe that people are connected to God in a way when they're in touch with their spirituality. They may not have a name for it or maybe no one told them about the Good News, but that connection is there. For me, it's more important to give people the chance to make informed choices and not blindly jump into something they might regret later. Prefably they can have a real encounter. Nothing beats that.

I do believe God is merciful and is also looking for ways to go, "I can accept that." Like a kindhearted teacher trying to pass her students by looking over the exam papers over and over again, searching for the additional point that makes 50%.

Apologizes for the long spiel, but I strongly believe that this is a particular burden/issue that God has placed in my heart. Rethinking my faith, rejecting religion and replacing my Jehovah over everything I take for granted just because people say it's so.

Jason taught me, strangely enough to cherish my spritual connection with God and focus on that. In the past year, God taught me that He can change hearts in His own timing - we just need to be faithful. And for whatever reason, my burden to pray for this particular individual resonates strongly in my being. So I will intercede, focusing not on where he's going in the afterlife but more on his relationship with God in this now time.

Because everyone deserves a second chance. And then some.

I Don't Want To Be Like Everybody Else

"The first and great commandment is this: Don't let them scare you."

-Elmer Davis

Of all the so called Disney princesses, I relate the most with Belle. Not because I want to be like her but because I understand her desire to better her life, not satisfied with doing with is expected of her. That's why in the opening scene when she sang "I want more than this provincial life", it resonates with me. (Merida from Brave is another strong, STRONG woman who did not end up with a prince/love interest for a happy ending but that's for another post.)

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for my friends who are happily married and settled down with kids and everything. It's a wonderful, beautiful thing to find someone you like and who likes you back- enough to spend the rest of their life with you. To bring new life into the world, nurturing young minds and being a guardian to the next generation. What could be more rewarding I ask you...and yet, it's not something I can imagine myself doing.

But who knows right? Maybe if I find someone I'm so in love with, I can see myself having his child. Or maybe he turns out to be a psychopath who loves torturing little boys and I help find victims for him because I'm so in love with him ala a typical Criminal Minds episode.

What? It could happen. I can't really say what I will or won't do in the future.   

My mum worries that I will be lonely in my later years. It's always nice to have a companion in your old age. But the truth is, I'm ok on my own. Besides, I'm not really alone. I got my friends. Not accquaintances. Real friends. People who make time for you even if they are attached/married. 

I just want to say that I totally understand that when you are married and have a family, things change. But if you use that as an excuse to treat your friends like shit you can suck it. 

What was I saying? Oh yeah. So I try to reassure my mum (constantly) that I don't need to get married to be fulfilled. I am way to busy/happy to see any kind of void just because I'm single. If I find someone, great! If I don't, that's life.


It's not like I want a life as a superstar. I'm quite a recluse. Well, as reclusive as a person who writes her thoughts on a blog can be. ^^ I'm ok with a normal life, but I don't want a normal life...to follow this status quo that everyone is clamoring to follow. I don't need to be married by 28, have kids by 35 and be a manager by 40. I don't aim to live in a mansion by the time I retire or earn a 6 figure salary (BUT if anyone wants to pay me that sum, I will not decline.)


If I have to sum it all up, what I really want to do with my life is to see the world and touch lives, making it for the better or at the very least, make them rethink their current status and re-evaluate how they perceive the world to be. If I can do that and in the process follow the journey that God has planned for me, I'll be a happy duck.
 

Ache is a Four Letter Word

"No matter how much a person has let you down, just keep on loving them to the person you know them to be."

- Jason Mraz (HUGELY paraphrased) 

I had a blast at Jason Mraz's concert last night. I was squashed, sticky and was violated of my personal space in so many ways but it was so AWESOME. I expected the vibe to be different, watching Jason live and he did not disappoint. Even though I have problems hearing through my right ear and may have difficulty speaking without sounding like Marilyn Monrone gone wrong, I wouldn't have it any other way. :3

I decided to reach the venue (Gardens by the Bay!) around 6.30pm thinking that I would beat the crowd. No. It did not happen that way. Close to a hundred (and counting) fans were already stationed right in front of the stage and I was fortunate enough to secure a place that's 5-6 row from the front. Oh, did I mention that it was free standing? That's right. I stood for over 4 freaking hours!!! 

I wish I was taller...or possess longer arms...maybe a camera designed to take awesome clear, crisp close up pictures in dim lighting whilst tip toeing and raising it above your head. ^^

Some patrons might not get the same experience but I suppose it's up to the individual. If you come in with the right attitude and mindset that you want and are going to have fun, you usually do. If you're going to get critical and be all "Oh, the soul of the music wasn't what it used to be." or "The bass could be better." then yeah, talk to the hand.

Kinda reminds me of worshippers on Sunday services. I'm not saying you just take in everything blindly....just don't get too crazy critical and pedantic, that's all. 


But I digress. Here's some photos!!

I spy someone with the longest lens right in front of stage right. While I envy the quality pictures that guy would have gotten, I'd prefer to just be in the moment and enjoy the music.

Blessed to Bless

"Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. “It is written,” he said to them, “‘My house will be called a house of prayer,’ but you are making it ‘a den of robbers.’” 

-The Bible (Matthew 21:12-13)

Truth be told, I've never been a big fan of City Harvest Church. The wealth unsettles me and the whole operation just makes me uncomfortable. I remember one time many years ago I attended their service and the whole worship atmosphere is like one huge sleek concert. Of course it is, there's one huge DISCO BALL hanging in the middle of the congregation for crying out loud.

The opulent decor leaves me cold. I recall vaguely someone saying that this is to show other people the rich blessings God has given the church. Really? Because I thought using the money for, oh I don't know, FEED THE POOR, SPONSOR A <INSERT DISABILITY> CHILD, SUPPORT MISSIONS WORK, would be more effective to show how God has blessed the church. But what do I know?

Pastors and office workers by right don't earn that much. They are not poor people per se, just enough to survive and buy normal things normal people buy. They certainly don't have millions of dollars lying around to finance their spouse's music career (and what a career!). Any person with a brain know something's up.

For me it was never about the legality of their action; It's more about the rightness of how funds have been managed. Just because the members are willing to set up a fund to support the pastor's wife's music career doesn't mean you have to oblige them on it. Geez. It's like saying some members want to start a fund to buy a Lamborghini for the pastor's son because they heard he just got his license and wanted that car and the pastor LET THEM give him one. By the way, I don't buy into the spiel saying the music career is suppose to reach out to the non-christians and is considered missions work. *rolls eyes* Seriously? You don't need me to explain how stupid that explanation is right?

A normal pastor should say, "I'm touched by your generosity but we believe the money should be put in better use in a more tangible way. Like FEEDING THE POOR, SPONSORING A <INSERT DISABILITY> CHILD, SUPPORTING MISSIONS WORK." But NNnnooooo.

I know there are other christians who are taking the stance that we should not judge them so harshly and be loving in our rebuke. 

I agree. 

As long as there is rebuke. 

I don't know if other church leaders ever said anything to Pastor Kong Hee or his team about their concerns. If there are any. Perhaps no one said anything because no one sees anything wrong (not likely) or maybe no one dared to offend and appear nosey (highly likely) or maybe they are guilty of doing the same thing but on a smaller scale (yikes!!!). 

But now that the law is taking action, maybe we as fellow brothers and sisters in christ should be somewhat relieved that something is being done; That at the very least, a level of awareness is brought out to the public. If nothing else, the CHC team should now be more prudent in how they use the tithes and offerings (one can hope). 

My point is, all of us are guilty by not saying anything and doing something about it. How many of us are comfortable with how CHC manage their funds? Yet how many people actually went and have their voices heard? If saying harsh things online is tearing down the body of Christ, not doing anything to stop fellow christians (or false prophets, take your pick) from doing damaging stuff is even worse.

I acknowledge that no church has the authority to tell another church the right and wrong way how to run things. But surely an email from a concern leader to another, offering some feedback is not asking too much? Just so you know, I am painfully aware how apathetic I am about it too. Even as I write this, I endeavour to be more pro-active (and in a nice way). Even if CHC (or any other church) don't heed well meaning concerns, at least we've done our part and the burden of action and accountability lies with them. 

I just hope no one gets too traumatized and reject God because of what men has done.