Detour

"Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have."

-Doris Mortman

In another week or so I'll be 31. Imagine that. Huh. 31. It's about an awkward age as it is a number. 31 years I've been alive. Living, breathing, spending the hours, minutes and seconds doing...what exactly?

There were the good times and the bad. Moments I wished I could take them back, yet knowing at the same time it's bad decisions that helped shaped the person I become. Warts and all.

I'd like to imagine that when the time comes for me to make my maker, I will stand confident-ish knowing I've done all that I've set my heart out to do. No regrets. Make that no regret-ish. What? It's a word.

The greatest fear for me is probably not doing anything out of fear of the unknown. The coulda, shoulda, woulda. I don't want that to happen to me. I also don't wish to face God and have him not recognizing me. I am created by him. Every fibre of my being- the good, the bad and the downright ugly, it's all connected to him. And it would hurt more than anything if I have disappointed him with the way I lived my life.

Yet I want to remain true to myself, even when I'm struggling.I am no longer content with the status quo. And I believe God would want me, far beyond anything else, to include him in my life. A true partnership in this journey I'm taking.

Suddenly I find myself again at a crossroad. One that I did not see coming. "I got it all planned out, this is how it's gonna be from now on." I thought to myself. Then things change and you are caught unawares and see a whole new horizon you never dream possible. The fear that your vision is nothing more than a mirage is sharp. Doubts and uncertainty sets in.

But I don't want to cave in. I am more than what everyone perceives me to be. I can be more. Now is not the time to hold back, I have to try. Even if I fall flat on my face and look foolish, I'll gladly do it. 

I always hear in church that people take detours when they did not follow God's direction and could have save themselves the trouble and heartache getting to the destiny that awaits them. Now that I'm much older and slightly wiser, I realize there's no such thing as reaching a destination. Our "destinations" are merely pit stops marked out with lessons we must learn. We may come out with more scars and bruises; more cynical and jaded. But we are also much stronger, more wily and more forgiving. Because life, truly is short.

At least, that's what I choose to learn.

I loathe detours but without them I wouldn't have discovered new things about myself or grow from painful experiences. This is who I have become. And in the next chapter of my life, I know what I want to be.

Fearless.