Sophie's Choice

"She was conscious that the things she did were the things she had always wanted to do."
- Zelda Fitzgerald


The easter weekend went by so fast I did not have time to miss it. Already I find myself back in the office, back in the grind. Except, the word "grind" does not have such a negative connotation as before. And I had a lovely, yes, lovely time in my new-ish (one month and counting!) job.

The good thing about working in town is the various food options. The bad thing about working in town is, well working in town. Sometimes I have the bad luck of fighting with total strangers for a standing space on the train. If there ever was a time I feel terribly unchristian (read: I wanna slice off the heads of everyone around me), that's when I'm squashed in a tight corner trying hard to have some breathing space. Literally.

Still there is a certain level of uncertainty of how long this can last. There are many changes that are coming up in the next few months which can spell the end or a new beginning. Either way, I choose not to dwell too heavily on the negative. I trust that whatever happens, things will fall into place. All one can do is pray, do their best and hope that things don't suck too much.

Nowadays I do feel a sense of melancholy which comes up now and then when I think about the fading of a once strong friendship or the realization that one or both parties are just not putting in the effort to sustain the relationship just because...well, who knows why? You can only feel in the blank and yet still not able to comprehend. And even when things are explained, you still feel nonplussed and a dull emptiness where your heart once was is left gaping, demanding that you do something about it.

Sometimes, it's not anybody's fault. Not really. God knows I tried and sometimes you just gotta let go and move on no matter how awesome it used to be. I tired of making plans and getting stood up. I'm sick of wanting the friendship more than the other person. I suppose I could push through no matter what, but in the end my pride refuse to back down. And I'm not afraid to say it. I have my pride, not because I refuse to look weak but because I refuse to be hurt by someone who does not care.